Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
