were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
