Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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