I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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