She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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