Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
