One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
