I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
