I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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