halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize