I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
