we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i dont even know how to be here
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
