Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
