i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
