That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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