Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
