Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize