remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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