How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
