there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
