who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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