My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
