Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
