i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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