My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
