Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize