My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
