Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize