Fine. I'll sleep in my office
there's paper in my vomit.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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