I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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