Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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