Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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