Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Success! We fucked roommates!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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