i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
