Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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