Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
