Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
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