Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
