There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
