Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
