Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
