she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
