My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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