I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
