I just pynch a tree in the face
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize