i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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