Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
