God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
