I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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