i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
