Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
