When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
