you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He better not be in your backpack
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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