I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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