the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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