today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
