I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
