Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
