Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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